Story of My Life

A conversation I had the other day has brought up so many memories and emotions that I feel the need to express them somehow. This is a topic I am very passionate about. Partly because I’m personally involved and partly because, in my opinion, this is still a global problem on a major scale, as sad as it is. Mental health is still something we as society don’t particularly enjoy talking about, and our ignorance has created immense suffering for way too many people. And guess who suffers the most? The most vulnerable among us, children and teenagers, too young and immature to take care of themselves and mostly dependent on us, the grown-ups. We are supposed to know how to raise a healthy and self-sufficient next generation. And yet we fail so often that it is getting ridiculous.

Reflection

One of the reasons why I started a blog was helping me deal with my social anxiety. It had become unbearable, and I thought – I either do something about it or I end up being a total wreck of a human being. The latter didn’t sound particularly attractive, so I started to write. And also read. It turned out I wasn’t the only one. There are so many of us, so many people, for the most part wonderful people, with their beating hearts and stories and lives and even dreams and goals they are willing to achieve. The only problem is the labels we carry. Bipolar, schizophrenic, depressive, anxious, suicidal, addictive, and so on and so forth. Putting a label on someone is one thing. But it is something completely different to observe the person behind the label and what it means to be like that, to live like that.

Ascension

I sometimes catch myself worrying – what if I never make it? What if I fail to figure things out? What if my fear won’t let me do that? Yes, my fear, after all I’ve always been afraid of the very thing that is happening to me now, so the threat is turning into reality, and my thoughts are storming and crying and yelling one by one and all together making me dizzy from the noise in my head. I watch them for a minute and return to my body. It is still very calm in here. Even though I’m acutely aware of fear and reality, I can see that there is nothing particularly wrong with the present moment. Sun is still shining, earth is still rotating, and I keep breathing…

Seeing Through

I realized it’s been a long time already when I haven’t neither talked nor even really thought about it. My social anxiety. Life has been spinning so fast recently leaving no place for phobias and making it all about survival, holding on tightly, trying to stay on my feet and get through the day in one piece, more or less. But I think I have finally regained at least some control over myself, so it’s time to count losses and gains the tornado has left behind.

The Cure

I cannot help but notice how blogging has changed the state of my social anxiety disorder (apart from improving my English). I am pretty delighted about that and would love to share it with you.

A Different Look on Mental Disorder

In the previous post I was talking about a tendency of mine to self-sabotage my life which in turn kept my social anxiety disorder going. While writing this and examining myself I realized that there was actually a weird relationship between myself and my anxiety – a far more complex one than I anticipated before. Do I hate being anxious and scared of social encounters? Yes, I do. Definitely. Do I hate myself being an outsider? Of course, I do! Do I hate all those embarrassing symptoms that make me want to disappear from the surface of this planet altogether? Yes, I sure do! Do I want to get rid of anxiety and get healthy and normal then? Well, here it gets complicated… What will I be left with if my anxiety goes? And what will I do with my life without it?

Poison

They now came upon more and more of the big scarlet flowers until they found themselves in the midst of a great meadow carpeted with nothing but poppies. Now, in the magical land of Oz, it is a well known fact that when there are many of these flowers together their odor and fragrance is so strong and so powerful, that anyone who breathes it in instantly begins to fall asleep, and if the sleeper is not carried away from the deadly scent of the blossoms, they sleep on and on forever and ever until their dying day. But Dorothy, just a little girl from Kansas, did not know this, nor could she get away from the bright red flowers that were everywhere about; so presently as she walked on her eyes grew very heavy, and soon she felt she must sit down to rest and to even sleep.
– L.Frank Baum. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

Shadow Over Summer

I enjoy this summer, I really do. I try to grasp every scent of it, every raindrop, every breeze, every flower blooming and bird singing. But I don’t like the desperation that accompanies my enjoyment. From the corner of my eye I can see those black clouds gathering at the horizon, and as each day passes they move closer and closer, and closer. I am about to face what will be a full-blown storm for me. Social phobia.

The Split

Image: dream by greg westfall, CC BY 4.0

My first childhood memory comes from a very early age. I was only 6-8 months old but I can clearly remember what I was motivated to do. I was crawling down the corridor to the living room and I was so excited! I knew there were a lot of people there and that they all would laugh, clap their hands and greet my appearance with great joy. I wanted that moment when I was a queen of the house and everybody’s attention was on me. No fear at all, only pure joy. This memory reminds me I wasn’t born socially anxious. I became one.

Portrait of My Social Anxiety

I wanted to draw it for you. Straight with words. This is how it looks like:

– I fear criticism and judgment most of all. That is why I either avoid those situations altogether or I wear the know-it-all-look-how-smart-I-am mask. None of these approaches help. They only make me feel more miserable.